Wednesday, August 14, 2013
DeTOUR to the Same Destination
Well it has been over a year since i posted on this blog. Time flies! The reason i stopped was for reasons that moved me to take a break from chastity. The feelings i felt did not go away, i just had internal feelings pulling me in different directions. I felt i was putting too much expectation on my partner to do something that i felt she was not ready for. So one weekend the cb6000 was taken off and i just never put it back on. In my heart i had hoped she would tell me to put it back on. It sat in sight for a long time. I came home every day and hoped for a note that said put it on! Or just for it to be laying in a position that said put it on. But it never happened and the longer it went the more bratty i felt about it.So i decided in my mind that i needed to leave all this alone and go the way of not being kept this way. Over the time we stopped practicing chastity i learned alot about myself. I never returned to alcohol use but did return to masturbation. The loss of my accountability and the bratty way i felt about it all made me feel justified in my selfish behavior. I tried very hard to leave that behind and live a life of so called normal interaction. Only to find that the deep internal feelings i truly had for her were not being met so they end up manifesting themselves in some other way that i had to feel ashamed of. I could not hold out! On a vacation we were on i finally broke down and told her i needed my life back. It was very hard and discussing this is very hard for both parties. It requires a very humble approach and basically spilling your guts. We had practiced FLR in our lives but still felt uncomfortable about talking about aspects of it. In my heart i needed to be locked up and at her direction. I have come to realize that for me simply submitting does not meet the need i have inside. Inside i need to feel control, i need to feel subject to her. I have realized that i need her to demand i stay this way and for me to have no choice in the matter. I need for her to keep me for hers and control my life. When this happens i feel the safety and security i have missed my whole life. When i dont have this i wander back to the only thing i have known which is anger and sexual misconduct. I do not see my life as doing this for play. I know i need to feel that i have finally reached my promise land and will live the rest of my life locked up being let out at her choosing. Not counting days till i get to ejaculate but being happy in the exquisite sexual relation she provides me without it. Knowing my place is to be constantly ready to get hard rather its when she unlocks me or after we have sex for an hour. She has finally told me that it is all about me being hard for her! I feel so good when i can have intercourse with her and not ejaculate. i feel like i belong to her and that i can satisfy her needs. While mine are always met. So my hope is that she will take total control again and take ejaculation away forever and allow me to serve her as her property. In a side not that i will cover later she has chosen to mark me with a tattoo regarding my position with her and she finally decided that spanking me was a good idea and did! Both subjects require their own time so i will address them later. I guess the moral of my story for me is, you is what you is! And i is hers.