SUBMISSION, CHASTITY and CONFLICT

It has been brought to my attention lately that there are many dynamics working together at the same time for a submissive man and his partner while in chastity. Sure he feels submissive to his partner, both sexually and non sexually, but in chastity the sexual dynamic for him becomes very powerful. His partner is watching this and interacting with this but also desires this dynamic to carry over into the rest of the relationship. This can be disappointing for the female if her needs are not getting met. Submissive men have a huge inner desire to please their partner. So even in conflict they are really striving to please their partner and feeling inadequate if they feel they aren't. this situation has arisen with me and as i reflect on things i find that during the conflict i became very afraid! Not that i was locked up. I became very afraid that my inadequacy was cause for termination of the relationship. Did i realize i was still locked up?YES! Did it impact my feelings? Somewhat, but the sexual tension i felt after being locked up for 5 weeks fell totally away. The sexual hyper charge diminished and i felt depressed and lost. The person i loved the most was disappointed with how i reacted, and it was not in a submissive manner. In reflection i now understand that i need to take an account of my relationship on a regular basis and make sure i am on solid ground. I need to shut up and listen some times when i have the inner urge to say and do. I need to shut up and listen always before i make a bad choice of words. My tone, my demeanor and my compassion was not that of the person i know i am inside and want to be.
   Did the chastity device being on make me change my opinion of what happened? NO! It was not until i totally let go and said i wanted to do whatever would make her happy that the device came back into play. At that point i felt better about myself and thus the hyper feelings started to return.
   Effective communication is the greatest tool in any relationship. FLR/Chastity is no different. Submissive men need coaching as they are trying to figure out what will make her happy that is within their power. Little things, big things whatever. Submissive men expecting their female partner to know what they desire all the time is unrealistic, just as the female partner can't expect the male to know what they need or desire at the moment is all the time. Good communication will help reduce unmet needs and keep the relationship on an even keel. For the relationship is even, the man being submissive or in chastity does not make it uneven. Quite the opposite, it gives it balance.
    So, during the conflict did i want out of the chastity device? NO!!!!! I was scared to death that she would decide to put me out of it! It was a feeling of unity during a time when we felt apart emotionally. To that note it only strengthens my belief that i never wish to be out and under my own control again. I must dedicate myself to being a better listener and support partner!

WHAT SUBMISSIVE MEN CRAVE

        Submissive men crave some really basic things in a relationship. To a person that is not submissive these cravings may appear strange or off base. In the mind of the submissive man they are not strange at all, quite the opposite. They are real and very strong.
         One thing they crave is to give of themselves to their partner and be recognized for it. They want their partner to accept their submission and ultimately expect it. They like to do things for their partner that are often simply taken as a reduction in stature. This includes house chores. These do not reduce any ones stature as it is something couples do on a daily basis. This offering of their submission is one quick way for them to make a huge difference in their partner's life. Taking more responsibility from them and shouldering it.
         Another thing they crave is to be the sexual submissive. This dynamic is huge and causes many men to chase dominate women in the bdsm lifestyle. The truth is that they secretly desire their partner to be the dominate partner and to feel safe in their submission to them. Real submissive men do not have to be beaten into submission or taken kicking and screaming. They will go happily! If their partner shows any signs of a dominate nature they will lead the way. Male chastity is the prime example of sexual submission; the one thing a submissive can do to belong to their dominate partner 24/7 without anyone knowing except the couple. He will really not want it to be a secret, but it is. In this world he feels connected to his partner and at her will. She alone controls his manhood. She alone controls when she will unlock him. She alone decides if and when he may ejaculate. A true submissive will even respect her wishes when he is not locked up and save himself for her and his relationship.
         The submissive craves structure. He wants direction from her, he wants order from her. He needs to understand her expectations and how to make her happy. He wants discipline and expects it. For in that scenario he is free to feel he is trying to satisfy his partner, and even if he falls short she cares enough to stick to rules and not abandon him emotionally mentally or physically. Submissive men would rather be spanked and feel all is right in the relationship than to be left wondering where he stands. This goes for any so-called punishment. It is somewhat childish in thought but extremely simple in the submissive mind. He simply wants to make things right in the relationship and move forward at her feet.
          Is all this humbling you ask? Why yes! Most submissives are humble to some degree and desire to be more humble. They wish to have their partner desire their submission and humility. Not as degradation but as a commitment to their relationship. :If mama ain't happy nobody is happy", everyone throws that saying around. For a true submissive it carries deep meaning and his failures in the relationship will be taken hard by him. To the point of anger and resentment of his partner. He craves an outlet to make things right again in his mind. Even small gestures that make him realize that his dominate partner was aware of his transgressions and simply requires him to make amends, however that may be.
         Submissives crave attention. It may seem by their desire to be a follower in the female led relationship that they do not crave attention but it is just the opposite. That is their goal. Attention! they will settle for negative attention if that is all they can get. They don't desire chastity because they view it as celibacy. They desire to trade their average lives for a hyper charged one of tease and denial. For multiple orgasms without ejaculation to the point that if they are not expected to remain ejaculation free they are failing. They want you to say no! They want you to hold your feminine power over them and they crave you to exercise it.
          If you have a submissive man, learn to understand their cravings because it is most probably the person he is with now! Learn to exploit it, relish the good!
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Submissive Men and Ejaculation

I believe submissive men are cutting themselves short in the world of FLR/ Chastity. The idea that in order for your fantasy to be real you have to have a hyper dominate interaction with another person is just unfair to both the sub and their partner. This is in the most part what begins the cycle of porn surfing. Searching for that hyper quick fix, a shot of dopamine and good to go! Then the buzz wears off and you need more. All driven by the desire to release your submission.
          In mainstream society the need for a submissive man carries past the bedroom. He needs to feel submissive and connected to his partner 24/7. She on the other hand does not need to have to manage him like a child and will bear a huge burden if saddled with more responsibility on a daily basis that she is comfortable with. All the chores done in the world will not relieve the burden. And not all women are dominatrix types or can they identify with how that works. Alot do not wish to, it is simply scary or overwhelming. This does not mean they do not have dominate characteristics and the ability or the desire to tease and please. Quite the opposite, even submissive women desire to tease and please!
           In the realm of mainstream female led relationships/male chastity the female need not be an alter ego doing sessions, rather your daily partner in a loving relationship that is willing to lead at her own pace. She has to find her groove. The submissive partner has to be willing to sub-ject himself to learning and developing the relationship. Submissive men want to jump straight in the water, she will want to put her toe in! She will most likely not be willing to take you on and lock you up and make you submit to her. If you truly are submissive to her in nature and feeling she will not have to MAKE you. Simple suggestions on what she wants and desires should suffice. The submissive dedication you bring to the table will in the end dictate your success or failure, not her ability to dominate.
           Going into the trial period in this relationship there must be clear cut understandings, not a bunch of rules and bullshit. Simply a philosophy to move forward with. She is in charge, and your initial commitment to this lifestyle is that you as a sub will agree to spend the first 3 months without ejaculating. Not without sex. She will decide when she is in the mood to be sexually active. This agreement is needed for many reasons. The greatest is that it will keep you focused.
            To Cum OR Not To Cum?  the answer is no! so don't ask, beg or whine about it. Women are giving up something that is a huge part of their satisfying nature. Making you cum. This is a two partner commitment to a deeper relationship based on closeness and trust. If you want to get kinky, fine, but that is not the basis for this life choice. Some people live a bdsm relationship daily, i feel very few and this will never be the mainstream value. To each his own and i enjoy erotic kink. I enjoy a submissive life more.
            For these reasons i believe that life coaching in this is hugely beneficial for both partners in order to understand what baggage they bring into this dynamic, what this really is, what the expectations are etc. And what are your fantasies. without this there is no foundation. So the relationship falls. This will not fix prior relationship problems. What it will do is change how you look at things in the relationship and how you react to issues It is amazing what happens in a relationship when expectations are being addressed!
          Life coaching at................haveandtohold.net