JOURNAL BLOG

I have decided i need to start a journal. Maybe to express my feelings in the hopes others will benefit from them or relate to them or to just get it out. I have realized that finally coming out as a submissive male is somewhat lonley. I feel good that i have been able to get my feelings out finally and have a partner that is acceptant to my feelings. It is all a learning curve for both of us. She has never been in a relationship where she was the dominate person. She has dominate qualities and leadership ability but just as i have never been able to truly be submissive, she has never been truly dominate. So we try to find our comfort zone. At this point it has been 3 1/2 months since i ejaculated. The longer i go the stronger the submissive feelings become. For me, the better i become and feel. I think in the begining i thought it was about play and begging for release. Going this long i have learned that it is far more than play. And release as far as ejaculation is concerned has become a secondary thing. I really look forward to her unlocking me and basically taking me out to play. There is no expectation of ejaculation on my art or hers. There is being hard for hours and alot of sex with which i am learning that my job is to be hard and excited for her. I have to constantly work on my ability to have sex and not cum. I have learned that i have many climatic experiences that do not include cumming but feel so great! Then i can get hard or stay hard and go again.
I also realize that i have this burning desire for her to totaly control my body, including anal sex (pegging). There is no part of me that does not desire to submit. Even if sometimes it is hard for me. I am 6'2' 220# have lived a male dominate life that i have hated. I do not have these submissive feelings for others. Just my partner. They are deep and powerful. She is finding her place and comfort zone also. All this takes time. This is not something you can throw a switch on and it work. It has to be learned and fostered. I believe alot of flr/male chastity relationships are based on kink and the denial game. That is great and fun if it works in your relationship. I think for me, my feelings are extremely deep. I have looked for this for 30 years, even when i didnt know what i was looking for! Now that i have finally found it i know that i do not want to lose it. I know i am better off for me and her locked up for her and kept that way. Learning to be the person i always wanted to be and couldnt. Proud of who i am day in and day out. There are alot of days that i feel i am still not where i need to be. Having trouble getting over the labels of male domiance and being able to act out my feelings. But i keep trying and working at it. Taking the chastity device off or me cumming and starting over would just delay or prevent me from getting where i need to. We are on a journey and it is great, some days i am frustrated and my balls are sore but when its time to play it is all worth it.